SUNDAY VISIT

On Sunday I paid Suzie a visit in the late afternoon.

Her friend Betty was there when I arrived, and they were listening to a Madonna CD on the boom box. According to Betty, Suzie was singing along to her favorite tracks.

It was great to see Suzie again for the first time in a few weeks, but Saturday was the first time I didn't notice progress. I will admit that I intentionally put off this visit, hoping that I would see all kinds of great developments since last time. In that sense, I was disappointed.

Suzie had a bright smile when I arrived, and attempted to communicate with Betty and me.

"I want to express..." she said, while looking at a binder filled with friends' pictures. She was unable to go any further.

Soon after that she seemed to zone out and lose focus on Betty and me. It seemed as if she had gone somewhere else in her mind. When she returned, she looked agitated and anxious, almost afraid.

"Are you freaking out?" I asked. "What are you freaking out about?"

She repeated the words "freaking out," but I was unsure if that was a confirmation or just the repetition that she does with everything I say. Confirmation or otherwise, something was going on inside of her. I could feel her anxiety in her sweaty palms, and in how she was squeezing my hand.

It's frustrating to not be able to figure out what she's thinking or feeling, and to be unable to help. It's also hard to know what to do in a situation like that -- stay, and ride it out or leave, and allow her to rest. I don't want to make it worse, but I also don't want to leave her when she's feeling scared.

So after about 40 minutes I left her with Betty, hoping that she would feel comforted by her oldest and dearest friend.

I wonder if Suzie knows that she's being transferred and is nervous about the move? I hope it's that, and not something traumatic that she's reliving inside, but can't yet put into words.